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And now, a message from the Chief Dissonance Officer

688 words by attila written on 2003–02–07, last edit: 2016–08–05, tags: rant, snark, systemPrevious post: Caffeine MenagerieNext post: The Anglosphere and its Discontents


Friends, Americans, Countrymen, lend me your fears.

Heh heh, little joke there. Hello, it’s me, your Chief Dissonance Officer, showing you that I’m not afraid of a little joke now and then, just like anyone else. I’d like to have a frank little chat with you about… hysteria.

Now, we all know what hysteria is, and that it is caused by close proximity to a woman’s hymen or the general hymenal area, by which I mean, essentially, the whole woman. Or man, because we don’t want to rule out the possibility that some men are really just women trapped in men’s bodies, and therefore have sort of virtual hymens. Or would have, if they were still virtual virgins. Which, let’s face it, none of us are, but play along at home if you’ve got a pen.

That is not what I want to talk to you about today, however.

No, the subject for my address today is the importance of sustaining the fever pitch at which we’ve all been operating, and its beneficial effects upon the bodies social, political, and economic. Hysteria is not only an essential crowd control technique, it is, in fact, eminently good for the economy.

Just take a moment, in your living room, or perhaps on the can, and, as you listen to the steady, soothing drone of my voice, pause and reflect upon the things that matter to you the most: your spouse or significant other, your children (adopted or natural, we don’t discriminate), your extended family and loved ones, perhaps even your pet. What could possibly be worse for their health and wellbeing than an economy that’s in the dumper?

Well, I’ll tell you what: nothing, that’s what. A bad economy affects us all, well, except for those few of us who are sitting on a big, fat pile of cash. In a way, that’s really what this is all about: the cash. Don’t you want to live in a country where the hope of striking it rich and lording it over all your so-called friends is always tantalizingly close? Isn’t that really what matters: the American Dream?

I’ll tell you something, that’s exactly what matters. Anytime some foreign power or communist tells you they want to be free, you have to remember that what they’re really telling you is that they want everything to be free! That’s right, not just people, but things, like cars, houses, CDs of your favorite recording artists, even hamburgers! Can you imagine what chaos would be inflicted on our society if we lived in a world with free hamburgers? I mean, who’s going to pay for all that stuff?

I’ll tell you who’s going to pay: you are, at least if Mister Smartypants Hussein and Osama bin Ripoff have their way! Sure, they rationalize, they theorize, they even pray to that ridiculous “God” of theirs, but that’s just their way of trying to lull you into servitude!

No, my friends, I say that we must remain strong! We must remain vigilant! We must remain free! We must remain completely and utterly hysterical! There is no other option for those lucky enough to have been born in the land of the Cree and the home of the Braves!

I know that you’re tired. We’re all tired. Why, even The President is tired, and he works out all the time. But we must remain strong, unblinking, and unthinking if we are going to be able to react to threats that we can’t even see. Threats that might not be there, but then all of a sudden they are there, like dangerous little immigrants in the night! Don’t swerve! Hold to the course!

Be strong, and you will be rewarded. Be weak, and you will get what you deserve. If you can’t see the difference between those two extremes, then I don’t think there’s anything more that I can say.

Thank you, good night and God Bless.


Copyright © 1999–2017 by attila <attila@stalphonsos.com>. All Rights Reserved.